LIVING COMBINED WITH SUFFERING

In the very middle of the mess and the depression and the discouragement and the frustration that I feel right now, I would still say what I said 4 weeks ago when life felt much easier - that I am CONVINCED that suffering and messiness is God's blessing to us. How can I say that? Not because I am some major righteous and holy dude, but because God has taught me that himself. For real, people, I am not solid in my faith at all. Don't go thinking I don't major-ly have trouble trusting that our Lord is good - I doubt his goodness to me in a heartbeat. But He holds onto me way more than I hold onto him. See its not up to me and that's the greatness in all of this. WE are so NOT capable of saving ourselves. That's why messiness and suffering is a blessing - because it shows us that. One thing I have learned is to take my emotions, whatever they are, to the Lord. If I truly believe he is Lord then he is more than capable of handling whatever I bring his way. So he is not rattled by my anger - even if it is misplaced anger. But if he is Lord of all, then I can ask why he let's me hurt so much while he is saying he loves me. And then he can answer like he did in Job, that he can do whatever he wants and still be good to me and I may not understand it all but he is still good. And I think about how Jeremiah the prophet thought God was so mean to him that it felt like God had raped him. He felt so hurt and betrayed by the Lord. And that's recorded in the Word itself. And God seems to not only let people ask things like that that seem insulting, but also he seems to welcome and encourage it because it happens so many times in the Bible. I'm pretty sure God wants us to learn from the examples in the Bible to share our true hearts with him, no matter how disrespectful it may seem. I really really see God leading me to start here with my pain every time - to start by telling him my true emotions. Even when those emotions usually end with frustration with Him for leaving me in my pain. Then what happens next?

I grow closer to Him.

I learn what my friend Courtney wrote about in a comment a few posts back - that Satan is the real meany.

I learn that have friends like my good friend Nisi at work saying, "Remember your Source baby, remember your Source. I'll help you have faith while you are struggling to find it."

Friends, I highly encourage this. You have to do something - you can't just distract yourself from pain with TV or housecleaning or food (some of my frequently chosen distraction idols) but you don't have to muster up some fake holiness. Its much easier than trying to pretend. And much good comes from it. Go to God first and foremost, no matter how you are, and He will help you see things His way, especially when you are really discouraged and angry, and someone telling you to have more faith doesn't seem to help at all.

MORE ON THE THYROID AND SUFFERING

Life feels so hard today. It feels constantly hard so often to me. My friend Courtney wrote a great comment at the end of the last blog post, and I want to say more about that, but I don't really have the energy right now. Look back for more another time, I hope.?.? I desire that in blogging about my thyroid stuff and how exhausting it is, it sets the stage for maybe one or two others to begin to be a little more honest about their emotions as they come to our Lord.

So I found out that the biopsy showed that it is not cancer and it is not even pre-cancerous cells. The secretary from the doc's office called, even tho the doc told me that she would call me herself. And she called yesterday morning when I was already having a terrible morning, and already ache-ing and tired and down and cold, and she just said its OK and gave me no other info and I said wait - please help me! I'm missing so much work and I am my own provider financially and I don't have any time off with this job and I already have two years of major doctors visits and health care debt that I have been working on, and please don't just leave me with that info, please tell me what to do next to try and find some relief! The doc took a lot of my blood for blood work last week and was going to tell me how my thyroid levels were and was going to adjust my medicine, but she still has not called me back like she said she would. I think I'll call her today until she does - but also even that feels overwhelming to have to call, and I'd rather try to hide under the covers.

Hiding doesn't work tho! When you come out, the world and life is still there, as hard as it is, to have to live. And I don't just want to survive, I want to LIVE! I want the peace and joy and contentment that comes from knowing our Lord and I want to fight for that. But what about when you don't have the strength to fight for that? I think that's what I'll write about in my next post.

CERTAINTY AND UNCERTAINTY

So I still don't know what the results of the yucky I-felt-him-digging-the-needle-in-my-throat biopsy. I'm not sure if I want surgery or not. I really don't want surgery, but I don't want frequent biopsies either. This growth in my neck isn't the only uncertainty in my life right now. I feel like I mostly live at about 1 millimeter above being defeated. And its like I'll sink under the water, and just when I'm about to loose it, God pulls me up for air. He saves me again and again from being defeated. Maybe this is where I'm going to stay. Maybe not. but everytime I'm down under the water wondering where in the world God is, and how long is He going to leave me here, I seem to learn a little more about believing in the Gospel. I totally get the prayer, "I believe - help my unbelief." Our pastor preached Sunday about all that we can learn from suffering if we pay attention. And if we stop using all our efforts to just feel more comfortable, and instead use our efforts to seek God. I know I don't always find him right when I first seek him, but he ALWAYS shows himself to me.

A friend e mailed this and I firmly agree:

I really really believe that it is more than fine to doubt and question. It will only give God the opportunity to answer your questions and draw you close to him when you need him the very most. I hope that doesn't sound like "christianese" encouragement. But I really hope you feel the freedom to have a full range of emotions, including sadness and anger and fear. That is how God has made you. He has given you all those emotions. Do not be afraid to feel them and be honest with your Lord.

NEXT THYROID UPDATE

Well the thyroid surgeon today told me what I think might be the worst news she could have told me. The ultrasounds confirm that I have "thyroiditis" where my body is slowly killing my thyroid gland. It will continue to produce up and down levels of thyroid hormone as long as it is in me, causing up and down levels of energy. However, they will not take it out until it becomes cancerous or grows so big that it sticks out of my neck. It will do both, eventually, because that's what it does - it becomes cancer and grows really big. But she kept saying its just not indicated to take it out until it reaches those points. She said it may take months or years. But in the meantime I will continue to have fatigue off and on. I didn't get any work in Monday, two hours on Tuesday, and 4 today (although the visit did take 3.5 hrs of my day - who knows I might have had the energy to work more). Sh also said that maybe this is just a really bad week and I'll get more energy, but she said there's no guarantees. She's taking my blood levels to see if we can adjust my thyroid medicine and see if that would help. Meanwhile, I have to keep getting my blood drawn, US taken, and biopsies regularly until it turns into cancer. Oh and I'll have a biopsy Monday at 1 and then won't be able to work the rest of the day after that. But she said its only 10% chance that my mass is cancer because its still pretty small, so I probably won't get to have the surgery yet. Meanwhile, I'll keep missing work and every time I do then I get more behind in the work I owe my boss, more behind in making money to live off of, and in more health care debt every visit I go to. I feel like I should go ahead and quit work, move to living on the streets, and apply for disability. I don't know how I'm going to be able to make a living like this. I seriously use ALL my energy right now eeking out a few hours of work, which isn't enough anyway. I get up way early to start pouring coffee in me, and when I come home I practically climb right in bed. Sometimes its a choice of using my strength to take a shower or cook a proper meal, because there's often no way I can do both. I'm very discouraged tonight.

MY THROID ADVENTURE

Things are really bizarre with me right now. There's a "mass" growing in my thyroid and its sucking up nourishment from the rest of the thyroid. Its really making bizarre energy levels for me. Three hours ago I had already downed 6 cups of coffee, taken my medicine, eaten breakfast, turned on all the lights, and yet was laying there sobbing and asking Jesus to PLEASE help me get out of bed. And then two hours later I had a spurt of energy, took out the old cat litter, emptied all the trash, swept the floor, started a load of laundry, and cooked a meal. I feel so frustrated that I have more health care problems and more health care bills to deal with. It makes me feel so alone. Over the last week, I have at times totally felt at peace and known that the Lord is taking care of me. And then there have totally been times where I laid in bed with the covers over my head saying I just can't do this anymore - I HATE you God for giving me this life. I'm glad that Psalm 88 is in the Bible. I think its the very most comforting Psalm for me because it shows me that I can come to God with my deep confusion when I have total trouble remembering the Gospel.

More to come on the thyroid adventure....

COMBINING WHAT I'VE LEARNED ABOUT GOING TO UGANDA WITH THE BOOK OF JOB

OK so I am not going to be able to go to Uganda.

I was asked to go on a medical mission trip coming up in May to Uganda, and I was so very very excited about it! To give some history, I had wanted to go to Africa always - I'm not quite sure why, but I have always wanted to go my whole life. Then there was a foreign study trip in college to Kenya and Tanzania and I was all signed up. My best friend was going and I couldn't wait! I had to back out last minute because of my struggles with depression. I was depressed then and I couldn't handle the work and the trip. When this recent medical trip came up I said "Yahoo! God is going to let me go to Africa after all!" And then on top of that its with an organization I LOVE (Medical Campus Outreach - http://www.thesmi.org/mco.htm) and was so excited to go work with and serve the students and serve the people of Uganda. But I have not raised the $ I need to go, and more importantly, my body is not in a good physical place to go. I have been working on healing physically from some major fatigue for the past year and a half, and I am healing, but my body is still fragile and would have a hard time surviving with vaccinations, without my special diet, and without all the shots I get of supplements of vitamins I need. The long and the short of it is that its so easy to keep saying "Why God?" Why have you given me this life? Why do I have to defeat depression and fatigue? Why all the circumstances that fostered fatigue and depression in the first place? Why can't I go to Africa? Why do you do these things to me when you say you have my best in your actions?

It reminds me of what I learned when I studied the book of Job. Job wrestles with the why questions. And that is good and right to do because it is laying your heart before the Lord. He wants to hear our true heart. But then at some point (no cut and dry answers here) we are to stop asking why and trust God. At some point, it becomes a waste of time and energy to keep asking, because we are not going to know why. God tells Job basically "were you there when all the great things of the world were created? No. Well I was, and I know what I am doing. You can trust me, buddy. Calm down and just trust. I'm not going to tell you why right now. But it is OK. " And Job eventually says "I put my hand over my mouth." He realized that its time to stop asking why.

I am sure that there are cycles of asking why and then cycles of trusting and not asking. Its not a one time thing. So right now I am telling my heart to God about how I don't understand why he's given me my whole life the way He's given, but I'm also trying to stop asking why and to trust that He not only is good to me, he is doing the very best thing for me. What a hard journey life can be!

LOVING SOMEONE WITH SCHIZOPHRENIA

She can't even say the word correctly. And I knew her for 2 whole years before I knew she had it. She told me about going to prison before she told me she had schizophrenia. She always says that it doesn't affect her at all. But I have worked harder to show love to her than almost anyone in my life, and yet she can still turn on me in a minute, saying and believing I'm evil and hate her. But the rest of the time she calls me her little sister.

She has painted horrible untrue pictures of me to many many of my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ at my church. She is frequently suicidal and I'd say at least every six months she tells me about wanting to kill herself. 99.9% of my conversations with her on the phone are about her pain and misery. I used to be good friends with her daughter, and now the daughter won't return my phone calls. I have no idea what happened unless it is that the daughter believed her paranoid rantings about me.

She never texts me, and last night at 4 am in the middle of the night, I got a text from her from a strange phone # that said, "Pray God, Jesus my brother, said where I am - Sister, I be home today." That totally sounded to me like a suicide note. That she was telling me she was going to be home with Jesus today. Given the fact that she talks about suicide so very often, I especially thought it was true. So I waited a while trying to get in touch with her. No answer. So I called 911. I just recently read as I was studying about mental illness how important it is to take suicide threats seriously and call 911 every time. How its not good to let them think you aren't going to do anything about it, even though it is often. I told the police exactly what the text said and they agreed they should go check it out. So then a little while later she calls me. I pick up the phone having wondered if I was going to have to go to a funeral soon, kind of mad at her, kind of scared for her, even kind of glad for her - a huge mixture of emotions. I answer the phone to her yelling at me. She's furious that I called the police, and she says she's going to loose her housing because I called 911 (which is NOT true because we have been through this before). I told her that I was sorry that I misunderstood but she said that she was going to be home and mentioned Jesus and I thought that was worth checking on her. She kept yelling and I told her I wasn't going to talk to her while she was yelling. She didn't stop, so I hung up on her like I said I would. I called her back a little while later and she didn't answer, and I left a message saying I was again sorry, but that I was trying to do the best thing because I love her. Thankfully, I didn't make the problem worse by yelling back, which is often tempting to do. So then she has called me, let's see, 9 times today and her messages say words like this: Ha ha I called the pastor and told on you; I think you are the suicidal one you dumb bitch; you m-f-er this is the end of our friendship; I've told all my family what you are and how you mean no good and they don't want me to talk to you ever again; you liar; God's going to take revenge on you....

I post this because it is very very very hard to live as a vulnerable church and to include every one, even those so very hard to love.