MY UNBELIEF

What I most want to communicate in this blog post is the reality that we all struggle with unbelief. The sermon this morning was about unbelief, and I realized that reality so clearly just yesterday with our garage sale. I have been praying for weeks for this sale to be successful, and I have been very anxious that it would not go well and we would have to break our backs hauling away all the stuff. I catastrophized it really, because that's not that big of a deal anyway in the bigger scheme of things. But anyway, it went better than I could have dreamed. Not only did we get rid of the stuff and only have to haul 1 load away, but we finished by 1 and we met some new friends along the way! God really blessed us. But the thing is, whether it went well in my eyes or not, God always blesses me. He knows what is best way more than me. Its kind of like how my African American friends always answer "Blessed and Highly Favored" when asked how they are, no matter the circumstances. I unbelieve very often. I am glad that Jesus died for my unbelief.

I'M ENGAGED!

Wow. Just within the last week I was praying Psalm 88, and today I am bouncing around the house with an engagement ring on my finger, feeling ecstatic! Life is a roller coaster ride. I was just reading from Jeremiah 10:23 "I know, O Lord, that my life is not my own; It is not for me to direct my steps." Thankfully, even at the times I unbelieve, God is in control of all and He knows best about everything. So let me tell you what he's done now!

I have my first boyfriend, Dave, and we have a really neat story of the wild and long time it took for God to bring us to this point. Two weeks ago, I took him home to meet my extended family and to show him my favorite place - the beach.



On this trip, Dave asked Mom and my stepfather, if he could marry me.



Then, yesterday on Valentine's Day, I had a corsage waiting for me when Dave came to pick me up for church. And dinner plans for after church.





Then Dave told me to bundle up, which I did.



Then he took me to my favorite bridge at our favorite place, the Missouri Botanical Gardens.



And asked me to be his WIFE!







I have an engagement ring on my finger!!!





Here you go, Mom, Here's the pics you wanted of my hand!

Then we went and called a ton of people. And dropped by friends.



And dropped by the K's but didn't take pics because they were in their PJ's. But Dave asked Doug to be his best man.

And dropped by more.







And then called some more people.

Thank you everyone who has prayed for my husband for years! He was definitely worth the wait!

LIVING COMBINED WITH SUFFERING

In the very middle of the mess and the depression and the discouragement and the frustration that I feel right now, I would still say what I said 4 weeks ago when life felt much easier - that I am CONVINCED that suffering and messiness is God's blessing to us. How can I say that? Not because I am some major righteous and holy dude, but because God has taught me that himself. For real, people, I am not solid in my faith at all. Don't go thinking I don't major-ly have trouble trusting that our Lord is good - I doubt his goodness to me in a heartbeat. But He holds onto me way more than I hold onto him. See its not up to me and that's the greatness in all of this. WE are so NOT capable of saving ourselves. That's why messiness and suffering is a blessing - because it shows us that. One thing I have learned is to take my emotions, whatever they are, to the Lord. If I truly believe he is Lord then he is more than capable of handling whatever I bring his way. So he is not rattled by my anger - even if it is misplaced anger. But if he is Lord of all, then I can ask why he let's me hurt so much while he is saying he loves me. And then he can answer like he did in Job, that he can do whatever he wants and still be good to me and I may not understand it all but he is still good. And I think about how Jeremiah the prophet thought God was so mean to him that it felt like God had raped him. He felt so hurt and betrayed by the Lord. And that's recorded in the Word itself. And God seems to not only let people ask things like that that seem insulting, but also he seems to welcome and encourage it because it happens so many times in the Bible. I'm pretty sure God wants us to learn from the examples in the Bible to share our true hearts with him, no matter how disrespectful it may seem. I really really see God leading me to start here with my pain every time - to start by telling him my true emotions. Even when those emotions usually end with frustration with Him for leaving me in my pain. Then what happens next?

I grow closer to Him.

I learn what my friend Courtney wrote about in a comment a few posts back - that Satan is the real meany.

I learn that have friends like my good friend Nisi at work saying, "Remember your Source baby, remember your Source. I'll help you have faith while you are struggling to find it."

Friends, I highly encourage this. You have to do something - you can't just distract yourself from pain with TV or housecleaning or food (some of my frequently chosen distraction idols) but you don't have to muster up some fake holiness. Its much easier than trying to pretend. And much good comes from it. Go to God first and foremost, no matter how you are, and He will help you see things His way, especially when you are really discouraged and angry, and someone telling you to have more faith doesn't seem to help at all.

MORE ON THE THYROID AND SUFFERING

Life feels so hard today. It feels constantly hard so often to me. My friend Courtney wrote a great comment at the end of the last blog post, and I want to say more about that, but I don't really have the energy right now. Look back for more another time, I hope.?.? I desire that in blogging about my thyroid stuff and how exhausting it is, it sets the stage for maybe one or two others to begin to be a little more honest about their emotions as they come to our Lord.

So I found out that the biopsy showed that it is not cancer and it is not even pre-cancerous cells. The secretary from the doc's office called, even tho the doc told me that she would call me herself. And she called yesterday morning when I was already having a terrible morning, and already ache-ing and tired and down and cold, and she just said its OK and gave me no other info and I said wait - please help me! I'm missing so much work and I am my own provider financially and I don't have any time off with this job and I already have two years of major doctors visits and health care debt that I have been working on, and please don't just leave me with that info, please tell me what to do next to try and find some relief! The doc took a lot of my blood for blood work last week and was going to tell me how my thyroid levels were and was going to adjust my medicine, but she still has not called me back like she said she would. I think I'll call her today until she does - but also even that feels overwhelming to have to call, and I'd rather try to hide under the covers.

Hiding doesn't work tho! When you come out, the world and life is still there, as hard as it is, to have to live. And I don't just want to survive, I want to LIVE! I want the peace and joy and contentment that comes from knowing our Lord and I want to fight for that. But what about when you don't have the strength to fight for that? I think that's what I'll write about in my next post.

CERTAINTY AND UNCERTAINTY

So I still don't know what the results of the yucky I-felt-him-digging-the-needle-in-my-throat biopsy. I'm not sure if I want surgery or not. I really don't want surgery, but I don't want frequent biopsies either. This growth in my neck isn't the only uncertainty in my life right now. I feel like I mostly live at about 1 millimeter above being defeated. And its like I'll sink under the water, and just when I'm about to loose it, God pulls me up for air. He saves me again and again from being defeated. Maybe this is where I'm going to stay. Maybe not. but everytime I'm down under the water wondering where in the world God is, and how long is He going to leave me here, I seem to learn a little more about believing in the Gospel. I totally get the prayer, "I believe - help my unbelief." Our pastor preached Sunday about all that we can learn from suffering if we pay attention. And if we stop using all our efforts to just feel more comfortable, and instead use our efforts to seek God. I know I don't always find him right when I first seek him, but he ALWAYS shows himself to me.

A friend e mailed this and I firmly agree:

I really really believe that it is more than fine to doubt and question. It will only give God the opportunity to answer your questions and draw you close to him when you need him the very most. I hope that doesn't sound like "christianese" encouragement. But I really hope you feel the freedom to have a full range of emotions, including sadness and anger and fear. That is how God has made you. He has given you all those emotions. Do not be afraid to feel them and be honest with your Lord.

NEXT THYROID UPDATE

Well the thyroid surgeon today told me what I think might be the worst news she could have told me. The ultrasounds confirm that I have "thyroiditis" where my body is slowly killing my thyroid gland. It will continue to produce up and down levels of thyroid hormone as long as it is in me, causing up and down levels of energy. However, they will not take it out until it becomes cancerous or grows so big that it sticks out of my neck. It will do both, eventually, because that's what it does - it becomes cancer and grows really big. But she kept saying its just not indicated to take it out until it reaches those points. She said it may take months or years. But in the meantime I will continue to have fatigue off and on. I didn't get any work in Monday, two hours on Tuesday, and 4 today (although the visit did take 3.5 hrs of my day - who knows I might have had the energy to work more). Sh also said that maybe this is just a really bad week and I'll get more energy, but she said there's no guarantees. She's taking my blood levels to see if we can adjust my thyroid medicine and see if that would help. Meanwhile, I have to keep getting my blood drawn, US taken, and biopsies regularly until it turns into cancer. Oh and I'll have a biopsy Monday at 1 and then won't be able to work the rest of the day after that. But she said its only 10% chance that my mass is cancer because its still pretty small, so I probably won't get to have the surgery yet. Meanwhile, I'll keep missing work and every time I do then I get more behind in the work I owe my boss, more behind in making money to live off of, and in more health care debt every visit I go to. I feel like I should go ahead and quit work, move to living on the streets, and apply for disability. I don't know how I'm going to be able to make a living like this. I seriously use ALL my energy right now eeking out a few hours of work, which isn't enough anyway. I get up way early to start pouring coffee in me, and when I come home I practically climb right in bed. Sometimes its a choice of using my strength to take a shower or cook a proper meal, because there's often no way I can do both. I'm very discouraged tonight.

MY THROID ADVENTURE

Things are really bizarre with me right now. There's a "mass" growing in my thyroid and its sucking up nourishment from the rest of the thyroid. Its really making bizarre energy levels for me. Three hours ago I had already downed 6 cups of coffee, taken my medicine, eaten breakfast, turned on all the lights, and yet was laying there sobbing and asking Jesus to PLEASE help me get out of bed. And then two hours later I had a spurt of energy, took out the old cat litter, emptied all the trash, swept the floor, started a load of laundry, and cooked a meal. I feel so frustrated that I have more health care problems and more health care bills to deal with. It makes me feel so alone. Over the last week, I have at times totally felt at peace and known that the Lord is taking care of me. And then there have totally been times where I laid in bed with the covers over my head saying I just can't do this anymore - I HATE you God for giving me this life. I'm glad that Psalm 88 is in the Bible. I think its the very most comforting Psalm for me because it shows me that I can come to God with my deep confusion when I have total trouble remembering the Gospel.

More to come on the thyroid adventure....